New
Doodles (10)Creature Features,
Episode One An aye-aye's teeth never stop growing oot, his index finger is overly long, and he's a sixth finger to boot. A male peacock jumping spider must put on a masterful performance, or his intended will attend his last dance. Female Hispaniolan solenodons are a kind of venomous possum with teats on their butt, and a ball-and-socket joint at the base of their flexible snout that they jut. A mature coconut crab no longer can swim, smells with 40% of its brain, has a grip 10 times that of a man, and might have dragged Earhart away. Excepting Cinereous mourner chicks, be wary in the Donald Trump Hair regnum, or the Asp moth larvae's sharp-spined setae will inject you with highly irritating venom. Basket stars unfold their severally branched arms at night, sometimes preying in pairs at a spot, but shining a light on 'em makes 'em fold up...and vanish into a rather tangled knot. The blue dragon stores man o' war stinging nematocysts in its finger-like appendages, and, because of its coloring, is known by predators to be equally venomous. Sea spiders (or pycnogonids) osmose through 1 mm to 70 cm long organ containing legs, and are, in Pickover's Spider Legs, murderous gene modified cyborgs climbing up skegs. Naked mole rats (or sand puppies) are cold-blooded eusocial mammals with teeth outside of gums; they don't itch, never grow old, and have skin, that to pain, is quite numb. Tardigrades live eight days in moss, inhabit all mountains and seas, and, cryptobiotically, can revive after ten days in space, or centuries on Earth, all with water bear ease. The OMZ's scavengerous, photophoric and blue-blooded vampire squid from hell...has barbellate webbed legs; and its two long retractile filaments make it a cephalapod rebel. The side-necked Mata mata turtle is a terrible swimmer (but a pretty good snorkeler) and has bundles of nerves in its skin flaps for detection of vibrations and burbles. The fish and stone eating gharial male has 110 sharp, interlocking teeth and a pot, on his snout, that resonates underwater bubbling that females like a lot. The mimetic hairy frogfish can hide in plain sight, and, swallow prey twice its size (which it lures with a modified dorsal spine that they think is a worm of a prize). The peacock mantis shrimp's cavitating 50 mph punch proves its might, and its independently swivelable eyes photoreceive 16 types: colors, ultraviolet, infrared and polarized light. A male platypus hatches from an egg, then nurses its fill, then grows venomous hind claws and electric sensors in its bill. The hoatzin, which ruminates, belches natural gas, and its chicks have claws on their wings to climb into the nest after falling in the morass. The oaxatl retains its external gills for life and can regenerate, or accept transplant of parts, of gills, tails, legs, central nervous system, brains, and the tissues of eyes and hearts. The Venus' flower basket is an electrically conducting glass sponge that can...live up to 15,000 years in symbiosis with captured shrimp and are a symbol of undying love in Japan. A male common cuckoo mimics a sparrowhawk, giving a female time to lay a host-matching-egg to rest, then the chick quickly matures and pushes the other eggs out of the nest. The Northern tuatara of New Zealand is sometimes called "the living fossil" - it is a survivor of the triassic order of Rhynchocephalia and is really quite docile. |
Frosty the Beer Mug Frosty the beer mug, held a draft of hoppy gold, From a new small batch with a fruity nose, and not too icy cold. Frosty the beer mug, is a pint of ale, they say. He was raised on "skoal", but the barmen know he's all for cheers this day. There must have been some magic in that golden pale they found, For when they drew a foamy head, we began to dance around! Oh, Frosty, the beer mug, was held high as he could be; and the brewers say, it's cold quaff all day, just for Sam and you and me. Slurpity slurp, slurp, slurpity slurp, slurp, that's what Frosty's for. Burpity burp, burp, burpity burp, burp, making room for more. Frosty the beer mug, held a cold one all that day, "Have another one, and we'll have some fun now", Frosty seemed to say. Billied to the bar, with that beer mug in my hand, Ice formed on the glass, the brew frothed with gas, prayin', "Elder, is it man?" They came in from the streets of town, right to the keg tap tout; and only paused a moment, when they hear him yell, "we're out!" For Frosty, the beer mug, in no haste to go away, Helped me wave "come on in", and say "don't cry, there's still good beer...here all day." |
||||
Bicentennial Berkeley My first college chemistry lecture in 1976 was from (ex-Bruin) Professor George Pimentel, inventor of the chemical laser. It was just before the big game and he had a large beaker on a table that held two fluids: the top half red and the bottom half white. And 5 minutes before the scheduled end of lecture, he said, "I hope you're all going to the game to support Joe Roth and the team", and then he held a dropper over the beaker and with one drop turned it to blue and gold. Joe Roth died, soon after that post-season, from cancer, as did Pimentel, 13 years later. Cal football designates each year's home game against either USC or UCLA as the Joe Roth Memorial Game which features throwback Joe Roth era uniforms. My first engineering class was Mechanics of Materials, taught by Kiev born, and Stanford alumnus, Professor Egor Popov, using his text. On the first day, the hall was over-packed, with some students standing in the aisles. Popov looked about and said, in his Russian accent, "there are too many of you here, some of you...vill be eliminyated." I had a bit of trouble with the first homework and erased quite a bit, so in the third session Popov said "some of your homeworks vere so messy, I could not believe it" - prompting me to be very careful and neat from then on. In the 5th session he asked the class if any of us new anything about music and, because I had just read it in a paper that morning, I said "well, Pavarotti is on TV tonight." He looked oddly at me and went on with class and gave us our first exam. He stood behind me until I had finished and, as I was about to start checking, said "well, I did not think it was very difficult" - so I skipped the check, turned it in and used the extra free time to read sci-fi in the faculty glade on a beautiful day. |
Tamper Tantrum If you hamper a hamperer, did you block a sock tossed at a basket? If you cramp on a crampon, can you commit to the summit? If you clamp onto Jed Clampett, will the Beverly Hills vice squad contest it? If you vamp on a vampire, are you a Transylvanian countess? If you dampen a damper, will the oiling help you in slowing the flow? If you tamper with a tamp, is the barista's portafilter only half full? If you stamp on a stammerer, how many times will he tell you ow? If you plan to camp in a camper, is an RV RSVP needed not to get booted? If you tramp onto a tramper, are you a stowaway or are you just left-footed? If you champ on a champion, did you just do a Michael Tyson? If you lampoon a lamper, will your story ever see the light on? If you amp up with some abamps, could you be shocked into a simper? If you scamper with scampi uncrooked, are you a shrimper who hasn't a crimper? If you pamper a Pamperer, do you still have to change the diapers? If you hit gramp with a gamp, will it completely unfurl? If you sample some samp near a still, will there be corn mash on your bill? And, finally, if you clamper a circuit, are your amperes impaired...just more than a bit? |
||||
I Deal Gas (or Nerts to
You)
The gas law (PV=nRTZ), with the added Z, is no longer ideal. Benoît Paul Émile Clapeyron has Johannes Diderik van der Waals to thank for the nonpareil. The finished cut contains units of pressure (P), like pascals, torrs, atmospheres, bars and the squeeze, And units of volume (V), like liters, gallons, barrels, pints or encyclopedia books X, Y and Z. The number of moles (n, or N over NA, and not Oaxaca sauce) is molecularly defined, Either that or its a problem with spies. The gas constant (R) is expressed in energy per mole per degree (Or the dash provided by the beauty mark on your intended PhD). The law also has units of temperature (T), degrees Kelvin or Rankine (The two who decreed our units of this fevered kind), And our friend at the end, compressibility (Z), is unitless, from tables... Having been caught 'tween the leaves that weren't stable. |
Vowel Disavowal (or Aieee, Iao and Eau) If knackered, knickered, knockered or knuckled, it's just luck if your knee cleared the bar. We've gnarls, gneiss, gnomes and gnus, but only one gni: Gniewino, a Pomeranian commune, still small and so far. In the past, twas said tween folks, but twixt times, twa became two, giving us ooh...but where'st the woo? A queue without u is an unusual thing, but we can chew on some qat, chime on a qing, query by qwerty, and, with aplomb, coq backwards our hat. There's hot flowing aa, the Scottish orbital ee, the long-fingered aye-aye, the extinct Hawaiian oo, and that particular tree ovine: the yew ewe. There's aardvark hunting aardwolves, eagles in aeries, hurt people screaming aieees, heartfelt aortae, and a mad cockney aunty just might mutter “’ey you you.” And, finally, here's a nice little six letter word, with all of the vowels, eunoia: The opposite of pontifical oration (with intent to annoy). |
||||
Ambiguous Isn't Usually, when you have junk, you pay 'em to pitch it away, but in baseball, if you have the right kind, it makes for a pitcher's pay day. It's mindful when a Brit uses his loaf, but it's idle when done by an oaf. Compression is ceded with the stub of a toe, but causes reenrtry tension when in want at a show. When rescued from the drink, you won't mind being wet, but when drink is you're rescue, it's your mind that's upset. In business, you hope that a contract continues to grow, but in growing, you hope there's no contract in the output or flow. When committed, you're steadfastly reliable, but in an asylum, you're probably pliable. High IQers can join up with Mensa, but when in Spain, if they're called mensa, they're muy idiota. A dope is usually quite wrong, but dope dope...is good intel, all the day long. A clock, when wound up, is pretty taughtly sprung, but if you've wound up in jail, it's bail that'll have to be brung. A car on a rail is well trained, but a rail in a car was something a driver disdained. With your ducks in a row, you’re aligned, but when having a row, you’re crossing somebody’s mind. Most people see love as their everything, except at places like Ashe Stadium, where, gamely, it means nothing. When a bagger sacks your groceries, there in, but when a boss sacks a worker, they're out on a limb. You’ve trunks in your bag, when off to Hawaii, but you’ll put it in reverse, on the drive to Na Pali. Stumping, is pulling up roots for a new forest bed, but on a campaign trail, you sink them instead. Members of a flock stick together, but when white on a Christmas tree, it’s stuck on the members. In class, lit up pupils that start early are great, but in our eyes, lit up pupils dilate. In foundations, auguries get concrete and set, but as harbingers, the firmness is not yet vet. Scissoring a lock leads to a tress, but bolt-cutting one leads to arrest. An auto that gets gassed is fit for a journey, but if you get it, well then you're well wearied. If ashen, you probably ail I suppose, but Milkvetch, that's Ashen, is as blue...and violet and rose. If you hem and you haw, you'll likely be late, but if your hands haw at a hem, it's the end of the date. Usually a dozer moves earth, but when in a hammock, he's in a heavenly birth. Being keen about something is never too bad, but then as you keen you'll show that you're sad. When snowplowed, a drift is quite driven, but it's not tied-on fore wood...'til on-the-shore that it's sitting. A fetching woman is well met, but if a Lab, then she’s probably all wet. If a number of things, you have many, and yet...you haven’t the number of any. On farms, good crops come up quite nice, but on obstinate horses, the crop comes down thrice. A hen that lays 144 eggs is something to boast, but if you eat 'em all, well, that's just gross! If you stay, you must bear it, but if it's grizzly, you beat it. When a tree leaves, it sap can get richer, but when a love leaves, the sap is the poorer. An arch, like the one in your foot, is a well rounded joint, but as a suffix, it comes to a point. Something in front is fore of another, but, when it's post swing of a club, you're the other. When delivering pitches, they come from the soapbox or mound, but when you're receiving, they're from pipes or tar pits in the ground. When two people jibe, they agree, unless they're sailing into the wind, in which case it involves a falling out, and maybe a dip in the sea. When you're put on the spot, you've got to act cool, but if it's at tea, hot and cozy's the rule. In physics, inertia is a product of momentum, but in people, it's an unproductive physical moment. "For aught we know" is all about all, but when we have aught, we have nothing at all. |
Take it or Leave it: The Leaves and the Takes
|
||||
Corpse Pose
 Bring your head to your knees, Give yourself one last tight little squeeze Now let it all go, And come to this, your final corpse pose: Savasana. Feel the pulse in your fingers and toes, From your strong heartbeat... And active synapses... Which generate waves and fields... That carry your spirit outward. Let the phosphenes on your eyelids Imagine a wonderful place, And send your spirit there. Activate your senses in your dream walk. Commune with your fellow spirits. We are all children of the light, Unique in our reflection...and absorption In the visible spectrum... And all radiating...extra-spectrally. Call your spirit home. Start to wiggle your fingers and toes. Bring life back to the body. Rise up to a comfortable seat. Namaste. |
Corps. Pos. A new coif might be displayed at a co. if...it promotes their product for making hair stiff. The potential cafeteria cook...thinks the food at the co. ok. by the look. In Toastmasters, a comic I like...gave it a go at the co. mic. The self-driving program's cobbled up coding...led to an autonomous automobile co. ding. Unknown to HR, there's much cowing...within the milquetoasty intern co. wing. Plans for refurbishing the co. pier...were harbored in an unfinishing copier. The CEO conation was for a non-violent coup...to add a co. nation of workers to the crew. The vote for cooption of a new CFO...led to a co. option to let all of the old bookmakers go. You'll get a discount from the co. upon...presenting a valid twenty percent off purchase coupon. Getting the co. operator to patch one on through...requires a cooperator to advise the extension to you. A coof at the top of the order...might make a co. of followers poorer. A corporate coup, that was more of a mutiny...was nixed when the SEC held the co. up to full scrutiny. Spilling hot cocoa on the boss’s new vest...got an old one a co. COA (or Change of Adress). It took some liquor store coin spent...to get a co. in good spirit at an annual event. Investors wanted to get Comet and Ajax to merge...but, when the co. met 'em: "it's too much of a splurge." Foster Farms took the loss of its best selling cochin...like a chicken, and right on the co. chin. Not only was his spiel cogent…but the salesman was a real co. gent. When expanding across the street, we coped...with the co. ped xing that ended up more traveled than hoped. Our co. zen includes yoga and dogs...so we don't need to cozen recruits with fictional blogs. The use of the balsam of Copalm was increased...when a co. palm was aromatically greased. Elon Musk bought a huge slow moving coring machine...which he named Godot...to give it a co. ring. The not-so-shy Martha Graham Dance Co. Ying...isn't coying, as she's the lead in many a Xin thing. The redundant employee rep went to HR to coax...deferring the use of the co. ax on his folks. His use of coarse language was not sparse... and got him elected...the number one co. arse. Mousebirds and colies were singing in sync...with the co. lies of how its new policies won't stink. It’s not any marvel that copyright on a variety of comix...provides for a profitable Marvel co. mix. |
"On twos day (2/22/22), as I rode past tee number 2 at 75 degrees , I decreed to an HB golfer in passing: 'it's another above par day at Meadowlark today'".
Solomon Tall (11/15/2022)
more Tall-isms here
Copyright © 2023 by Joe Pivetti