New
Doodles (11)Creature Features, Episode Two After 24,000 years of desiccation, well toothed Siberian Bdelloid rotifers recover, becoming parasite free and ten percent bacteria, fungi and/or plant (via horizontal gene transfer). A diving bell spider paramour builds a tunnel from his bubble to a solitary deb's, where she lives for days at a time, thanks to CO2 and O2 diffusion through her gill-like webs. Hippos "sweat blood" (made of antiseptic hipposuderic acid goo) from behind each ear, yawn to 150 degrees with 20 inch tusks, run 30 MPH, and spin-tail muck-spread at the rear. Hyperthermophile methanogen worms are stabilized by DNA (that's positively supertwisty) and eukaryotic histones and glycerol ether lipids as they chemosynthesize CH4 at 350ºC. Monogamous oil birds are nicknamed guácharo (whiner), have whiskers, chubby chicks, the highest rod density among vertebrates, and individualistic audible echolocation clicks. Thirteen opossum from a pouch, once weened, are immune to a rattler's bite; and thereby hangs a scuted tail of possum play (involuntary thanatosis precipitated by deathly fright). Aussie King in His Carriage looks, feels and smells like a wingless thynid wasp girl, whose beau calls and unhinges His orchid, gets hammered* and goes off packin' pollen awhirl. A female panda ant's a wingless wasp who only flies when her intended carries her away, but she's so tough she's hard to pin down, and her cow killer sting makes her preyers pay. Only reindeer digest lichen, change eye color from brown to blue in the winter, have nasal counter-current vascular heat exchange (excepting moose) and [rein]does with antlers. Polar bears are southpaws, can swim for 10 days straight, smell a seal's ice hole from a 1/2 mile away, and they've the fattiest milk found on land (fueled by 100 lb. blubber entrees). Sea cucumbers cloak pearlfish, can liquefy and solidify their bodies at will, expel toxic sticky Cuverian tubules if threatened, hoover up sand and redeposit it waste-free and distilled. Sea pigs gather in 100's for a food fall, being the most abundant critters on the abyssal seafloor, and protect commensal juvenile king crabs with holothurin skin that predators abhor. It takes a star-nosed mole 8 milliseconds to feel out edibles and 250 to eat the quarry, and in water they blow 8 bubbles a second, then suck 'em back in to smell out aquatic prey. One end of a rootless waterwheel stem fades as the other end, each day, grows...a new bristly whorl of traps that can shut in 15 milliseconds (making all other plants seem slow). The trigger plant stamen takes only 15 milliseconds to powder puff a pollinator, making it the fastest make-up, and make-out, artist in nature. Sea lilies once grew to 130 feet, but now, as adults with up to 200 arms, they become detached...feather stars with a cirri-ous walk and a three-over-arm swim (when attacked). Blind, hirsute deep-sea squat lobster yeti crabs wave around in a dance about sea vents to cause...increased chemosynthesis in bacteria mats that they farm on their setaed claws. The 9mm wrap around spider thorax has small slit discs for flexibility and camouflage and it makes and breaks a web every eve and morn so no threads lead to it's mirage. Three-hearted Wunderpus photogenicus' individually unique pattern gains complexity with age; they eat mimic octopuses, mimic sea snakes and, in umbrella form, drop upon prey. Amphipods live in and on land, lake, ocean, aquaria and tops of trees; these mesograzing scuds are the favorite food of pipefish and the horse of the sea. Tadpole sea squirts stick to a rock and lose their tail, eyespot and notocord, becoming sessile bidirectionally-hearted tunicates that amass vanadium to deter the predatory horde. Wombats have cartilaginous burrow blocking butts, cubic poop, rear facing pouches, ever growing teeth, and multiple warrens (shared with other Aussies during fire and drought). If two trigger hairs on a Venus fly trap are sufficiently moved within a duration of 20 seconds, plant math, via additive action potentials, adds up to close the trap in a decisecond. Happy chickens purr, hens have individual songs for their "I've laid an egg" tale, and when you buy baby fowl it's the sender who says "the chick's in the mail." Centipedes, like rotifers, benefit from HGT, borrowing venom oomycytic, bacterial and fungal, that their maxillipeds inject to block potassium, cutting ties between brain and the vitals. Millipedes hatch with three leg pairs, then every molt, with morphogenesis, add a two-paired secreting segment, maxing at 750, which, when curled, makes for quite a leggy stunt. The longest male beetles are the flying Hercules, who, for two years, as larvae, eat deadwood and poop β-mannanase, before molting themselves into huffy horny wrestlers who change color depending on the dampness of the day. An Oecanthus henryi tree cricket peeks through a hole that he's cut in a leaf; this acts as a baffle that can more than double the volume of his mating song, increasing his attractivity. The UV reflecting female white crab spider takes a few days or more...to match color with a yellow flower and hide in ambush for a sneak-sidle-attack on a pollinator. A typical blenny blends, builds tunnels, mimics wrasses or combtoothes algae, but fangtooths deliver opiates, Pacific leapers live on land, and sarcastic fringeheads kiss the enemy. The siphonophore zooid colony nectosomes provide, for some, the jetting, pneumatophores the buoyancy, and bioluminescently tentacled siphosome gastrozooids do the eating. Salp ozooids birth blastozooid colonies which can grow 10% per hour during an algae bloom, and reproduce quickly, starting as an ozoid bride and then becoming an ozoid groom. *by a pollinium |
Double Drivel (Unlike a Yoyo on a String) If you've hosed down a wall of clashing fresh paint, you've likely hosed up the taint. One must get up from a seat at a disco, to get down and boogy...with an "out-of-cage" gogo. If you feel up for petting a small pet, you might have to feel down...to do it. A reporter who can dig down into the weeds, might dig up some novel dirty rag feeds. If you bring up what's tabu, you might smell really good...whilst bringing down your rep in the neighborhood. An accountant may write down a loss, but an officer will write up a gain...if a driver's exhibiting sauce. You button up a button down vest, unless you're Gracy Allen in College Swing (then it's just west). At daybreak you hoe up around the beets, then after nightfall, you hoe down to the beats. You pipe up to complain, or pipe down if you're lame. One might use eider for cover...down at a quilty place, or a feathered boa...to cover up a guilty face. Officials that have stripes on a tee down their back, have to be man up to tee up...a nose tackle for flack. A hack of a golfer might slice down the fairway...with a slice up of a divot from a swing with a sway. You pull up to park at the stand of a courteous valet, who has the drive to pull down...more bucks than his wage. A revenuer might knock a still down with an axe, and, then, be still up for continued moonshiner attacks. One thinking "no mas" might still stay up all night, but the next day he'd better stay down if dropped in a fight. One gets to a walk up by steps above the first floor, but in a walk down...memory lane, all that arises is lore. One might cook up a plot, or cook down stew in a pot. One might be doubled up in pain with a frown, when a dealer shows a black jack...right after you've doubled down. One might gear up with panniers for a Provincial go, and then gear down on the tough ride up to Le Baux. Here's a heads up to for our new hires, "keep your heads down or you're fired!" You might have to face up to the fact, that in a face down with Ryan, you might not get much on the bat. If you chalk down a plan that's gone over the fence, you just might have to chalk it all up...to experience. A lay down might be a rest in a non-grammarian joint, but a lay up...is usually an easy two points. A ship maid might, during the day, make down a bed, and, later that night, take off her make-up, after hitting the head. You can become very run down or quite ill, if, at a hosted bar, you decide to run up the bill. You can get up by taking the kitty, and, with any luck, you can get down from a duck. An English driver will change down to ease some break wear, but, at a ball park...a change up'll drive a batter to swear. If you can't work down the price of that ring your wife fancies, you might have to work up a reason for settling on pansies. A (non-Southern) Baptist might have to gather up her frock...then call "let's gather down by the river" out to her flock. As you trim up a tree, you might be quite jolly, and less so later, to trim down your jelly belly...due to cookie and nog folly. You call up a friend, but you call down a fiend. If you get the low down from a hungry bovine party, it might've come from a low up...the back forty. Fresh water will slowly freeze down at 32 degrees, but if you freeze up, you're not so cool...in an emergency. Superior people might look up words in a dictionary, so they can look down upon others with "obviously less"...vocabulary. Once you've iced down an ache, you'll look forward to another long skate...out on an iced up great lake. A deviless model must be made-up, before studio close down...else her close up study...won't be Elle bound. A refugee might huddle down out of the cold in the fall, while an offense in no hurry might huddle up...for a 4 minute call. A bandit might snarl dully "hands up" and "give me your bread", but, hands down, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. You should publicly put up a good front, when a put down is hurled at you as an afront. An athlete might live down an embarrassing game, and later, with return of true form, live up to his...or her famous name. A hood might secretly shakedown a proprietor on his turf, until a shake-up reveals...the goods on an abetting bad perp. If you tie down an agreement it's solid, but if you don't tie up the loose ends, it's invalid. Make sure you're not being set up for a fall, when signing something set down in Tammany Hall. At a British gym, you'll slap down some pounds to get in, then reclaim the same..when slap-up meals are no longer a sin. A sinner, wakening from dreams of the fire down below, might feel it fire up atonement...to recomportment more hallow. One might send up a flare if there is trouble, or send down for a stuntman...if risky play action...calls up for a double. A woodworking apprentice needs to shape up...at the lathe, for the right to shape down cabriole-style legs...in good faith. A foul-mouthed comedian might crack up a prompt crowd, but censors just might crack down...if the language's too loud. It becomes easier to settle down into good financial habits...after you settle up...all those nasty old outstanding debts. Mark Jackson might say to a guard, "man up" in SF, then "hands down, man down" (if he can't slow down...Mr. Steph). If an amour makes you break down and cry, then you'd better break up...with that totally unfeeling guy. Even voice recorder armed, if you take up a writing career, you best take down notes...on most of news that you hear. An officer who would dress up in "go to dinner" service blues, wouldn't dress down a waiter...just for gravy stained shoes. You might want to zip up your parka, before you zip down to a base in Antarctica. When trying to keep up in a hot dog eating contest, it may be a challenge to keep down the contents. At a pageant, a miss might size up the competition, then decide to size down her dressing condition. It can be a real let down at Oracle park, if the rain doesn't let up before "play ball"...was foreseen to be barked. When you demonstrate and stand up for your rights, you hope that the baton wielding police...stand down for the night. |
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Do Ewe Ever Wonder Down Under Reporter: when working a cruise you're on board a what? Aussie: it's a sheep mate Reporter: while wool gathering, you're shearing a what? Aussie: it's ewe mate Reporter: when you're visited by a pugilistic pest, it's what? Aussie: it's my roo mate Reporter: what's your favorite band? Aussie: it's Accadacca mate Reporter: do you barbecue with Ken? Aussie: me cobber's fierce on a snag and chook barbie mate Reporter: what do you do with Google? Aussie: I brekkie mate Reporter: are those sweatpants tough to tie? Aussie: they're tracky daks Reporter: can I ask you a stupid question? Aussie: don't be a drongo mate Reporter: do Australians like doughnuts? Aussie: it's fair dinkum 'cross Straya mate Reporter: are you a good driver? Aussie: I don't lay on the hoon mate Reporter: is it okay for me to publish this interview? Aussie: no wucka's mate Reporter: what if I tear up the contract and give you $1,000 instead? Aussie: that's big bikkies - you're bloody ripper mate! Reporter: do you take your kids to the beach Aussie: they're not grommets or shark biscuits mate Reporter: where are you happiest? Aussie: out in the woop woop mate Reporter: do you like little trees? Aussie: yeet, they's bonza mate Reporter: how do you keep your beer cold at a gig? Aussie: I keep me roadies in an esky mate Reporter: are casqued dagger-toed blue birds dangerous? Aussie: it's a cassowary mate Reporter: have you seen the Aurora Australis? Aussie: that's for the apple eating devils mate Reporter: did you just smile when I stepped in something? Aussie: that's a quokka borrie mate Reporter: is it hard to see a tawny frogmouth? Aussie: I'm stumped mate Reporter: do you ever have ant problems? Aussie: I...hmmmm...numbat I recall mate Reporter: do you like this joint better than KFC? Aussie: it's an emu-ed point mate Reporter: is it safe to go into the outback of bananaland? Aussie: dingo in there mate Reporter: is that braying from roasting a donkey? Aussie: they're laughing kookaburra mate Reporter: is that southpaw taking MDMA? Aussie: he's a straight mollydooker mate Reporter: should we be looking out for drop bears? Aussie: I'm no Hogan but you might Vegemite mate Reporter: is it true you've a lizard here that carries nesting material with it's tail? Aussie: it's woylie true mate Reporter: is it edible? Aussie: goanna mate Reporter: have you ever blown it? Aussie: I've come a guster mate Reporter: are you upset about your disc golf tee shot? Aussie: I'm not chucking a wobbly mate Reporter: have you thought about working in politics? Aussie: I've no yobbo mate Reporter: is that loud mouth at the bar in a pickle? Aussie: he's a dill mate Reporter: do you like a cool wind? Aussie: I'm chuffed mate Reporter: is there room for us to set up a chess board? Aussie: it's chockers in here mate Reporter: do you still have the drive? Aussie: I've me utes mate Reporter: Do you walk in your sleep? Aussie: Nah, I don't dance in matilda mate. Reporter: Do you ever drive after drinking? Aussie: I'll never be munted on me feral donk ride mate. Reporter: But, otherwise, do you think drink is bloody good? Aussie: I enjoys XXXX butchers as much as the next bloke mate Reporter: What's with that cut up up rough looking guy at the bar? Aussie: A captain cook past his dial and into the drum will learn ya that his blood's worth bottling mate. Reporter: Would I get a good story if I bring the heat in an interview or is he a slippery stiff? Aussie: He's ridgy-dide and no galah on a grizzle to skite mate Reporter: What about the guy next to him with the giant Isaac rabbit shirt? Aussie: The jackaroo's no walloper and that ain't zack mate |
Please,
No More, I'll Talk (about our common tongue)
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Can I have a small container of coffee?
Why? Because that's pi.*π
Pasty Frenchman Vieta's pi had lots of square roots indeed - it's as radical as the Nation-of-Islam's bean pie (which was the undoing of Muhammad Ali). Of course, it was after Descartes, whence his fourth of a pi became integrated ..but well before widely accepted recipes for sweet potato, and shoofly, pie, were created. Wallis, while decoding enemy cyphers, just like Vieta, formulated a quite rational pi - he preferred a simple crust with fruit or custard inside. Newton apologized for spending so much time with pi even though his quickly converges - like caroler's smelling figgy pudding before another hungry choir emerges. Euler cooked up the log of pi using several even powered phrases - then he took to a different tangent and, in one hour, had pi to twenty places. When Legendre proved pi squared irrational ...he meant that pan pizza's antithesis is in thin crust and traditional. If we didn't have the magnetic Gauss, Carl Friedrich, we'd've missed out on his latticed pi solution - thank Gott for the German upper-crust dough-weaving's fill-top caramelization. Then Lindemann proved the transcendence of pi - I wonder if he'd have gone à la mode in Cambria, California, with a Linn's Olallieberry pie. *π Count the letters in the title |
Augusta is the home of the Masters (where the art is
in puttering around) Next time you and a pal are in a museum sandwich shop, try asking for Rubens with plenty of Manets, But if you're a Quebecois yearning for chips, curds and gravy, you should just name your Poussin. After that snack, you should go to the museum gift shop, and buy some Dalis for your daughters; Then buy a postcard and ask about stamps, so a clerk can tell you to put your Monet where your mouth is. If walking made you late for docent work, you might say "I'd've Rodin, but we couldn't make the van Gogh." If converting old scanned archives and a floppy needs a quick clearing, try using a Degas like an old IT pro. The same might go, after saving to an mp3 file, for that old art appreciation tape on Cassatt. Then, if all that works wanged you out...for the trek back home, call a cab, because you are Toulouse-Lautrec. If you said you'd go dutch and sneakily drive off, you best check the rear-Vermeer to see if you're #1. Then, when your lunch mates have caught up, try saying "Watteau you mean, I thought this was a free one." Then add, "hey, the next one's on me" and pray against Gaugin, with surf and turf orders from the whole clan. Later, you'll find, thankfully, that you're off the hook, because "you're being transferred to Georgia," Cézanne. |
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Shh E's Us (look at the silentious scene)
 On a calm day, one may walk down to a silent sea, And there, feel the Cnidarian sting of jellies and anemones. At an airborne Teflon-lined facility, one might have a silent pee, And then, with a push of a button, wave it away...pneumatically. With scones and mimery, one enjoys a silent tea, But if an alarm is triggered by a rising sea, head inland, away from the salty tsunami. If a bully surfer steals your wave, you might moue a silent "gee" And hope the next one swells up twice as gnarly. A silent bee is not abuzz, and is in delirium As it sees itself entombed in a false myrrh of bdellium. A leather tether, at the top of a caribiner, might mute a dee; That ring that bridges tackle to pack quite efficiently. A sundial doesn't tock and gnomon can cast a shadow over IV o'clock tea, Where the proud English once proffered a silent v-sign for their Churchillian victory. Blessing chez Amsterdam, the Afsluitdijk tamed the Zuiderzee, Allowing the polder Dutch...to finally catch some silent zzz's. |
Semi Literate (or Road Work) At a CalTrans meeting, a trucking rep claimed highway wear was mostly due to the weather, to which Chuck Pivetti said "would the esteemed trucking expert please explain how it only rains on the right lane?" Some semis are International, but Kenworth and Peterbilt drivers are all just Paccar fans. Il Volo may not don slickers while singing in the rain, but a Volvo ware's a Mack. A good Freightliner operator may not run under water, but he always has the Benz. In the downhill crawler lane of life, it's just Jake, when a stressed out big wheel man needs a decompression brake. A truant teenager, headed downhill, was caught by a teamster...at a life-saving run-away truck ramp. A library delivery was over due because a pacing baby bear was preventing the convoy...from booking down the road. The donkeys in the trailer started braying to the gods, when the semi driver...started hauling ass. When asked if he was hauling ill-gotten gains for the Irish mob, the teamster replied "that's a load of malarkey." It wasn't the organic fertilizer trucker's fault for the nasty wreck...he had a shitload on his mind. With a pneumatically suspended trailer, a driver was checked by a chopper because he had a load to bear in the air. Then, when that air-ride reefer was being loaded with baked goods, it started to dock hop, so the forklift operator dispensed with the un-gentile bageling. The beer and livestock truck had to chop some hogsheads when a chicken coop weigh-in revealed excess tun-age. When a tomato truck totaled an onion truck, the driver at fault had to catch up and pick up d' guy O. A bucket mouth kept askin' to hear Camptown Races, so an unloaded driver tagged him as the other "bobtail nag". And, why is a dressing table compartment like a trucker with a tall tail? They're both low boy drawers. A lubricated deadhead, grateful to be at the tiller, jackknifed his jinker, but, by galley, didn't end greasy side up. |
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An Animal Amalgamation "Tions. ligers and grolars, oh my" she said quite crossly. "Wallaby damned" said a convict in a kangaroo court. "You're shellfish" was the complaint about his refusal to clam up. "Bring it" said the lab coed quite fetchingly. "Why is your royal doggie wearing a USMC karate outfit?" "Because it's a Corgi." The NYC sewer worker said he saw an alligator and his buddy replied "that's a croc of shit." The reverse aging jellyfish discovery is drawing more students to polyp technical schools. A landlord wanted to evict a non-paying rooster, but he was chicken in his eggs-action. If you cross a jaeger with an alcid would it's call be skua-auk? In Alaska, when you photograph a big brown bear, is it a Kodiak moment? If The Beatles walked a Doberman down the lane, would it be a Penny Pinscher? |
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"A cybernetic freebooter's rapier wit had me drop my phone in the briny and all I could do was watch my android sync."
- Solomon Tall (3/14/2023)
more Tall-isms here
Copyright © 2023 by Joe Pivetti